One year ago today I found out our first baby had died. I had some spotting and went in for an ultrasound after work. Caleb couldn't be there since it was such short notice. So, I sat by myself hoping and hoping that I was just one of those women who spot during their pregnancies. I knew deep down I wasn't that lucky.
It still was a bit of a shock though when the ultrasound technician said "I'm sorry but there is no heartbeat". I remember going into the bathroom and just sitting there staring at the floor thinking it can't be real, it can't be real. I'm still pregnant, it's still okay. I remember talking to the doctor on the phone to discuss options before I left the hospital, not really wanting to think about it. I remember walking back to my car fighting off the tears and sitting in the driver's seat, calling Caleb to tell him. I remember thinking I shouldn't be driving home in this state ... I'm still curious how I managed to get home.
I remember laying in bed, sobbing while Caleb laid with me. I remember seeing my husband cry. I remember him telling me we could try again. I remember being thankful for that. I remember we ordered our favorite take-out for dinner and I remember being relieved that I didn't have work the next day due to Yom Kippur.
I didn't really think I could cry about this anymore but now that I sit here, forcing myself to remember the details of that day, I am a bit teary eyed. Just remembering the feeling of it all makes me sad again. But, Nathan just started crying and that reminds me what a difference a year makes and how something wonderful can come out of something so sad. Without my miscarriage, Nathan would not be here. Without my miscarriage I would still be under the false impression that it is a rare occurrence. I would still be ignorant enough to think it couldn't happen to me. Without my miscarriage I would not be who I am today.
I don't want to forget my first baby, even though many people do not understand the need to dwell on early loss. Many people do not think of it as a baby. Now I doubt I'll tell Nathan he had a big brother or sister, but one day I will tell my children I had a miscarriage. I want people to know so others don't go through the same feelings of inadequacy that I did. Miscarriage makes you feel that way, like you're broken. A freak of nature. You can't carry a baby, you're messed up. I don't honestly know if me telling those not related to me will help them, I heard miscarriage stories of people I knew but wasn't related to and it really didn't help much. They weren't of the same biological make-up as me, that didn't give me hope that I was capable of carrying a baby.
What helped was the knowledge that my grandmother had a miscarriage before her three children. No one had ever told me this. It wasn't until the days after my miscarriage that I found out. I wish I'd known before ... maybe I wouldn't have felt the way I did for even a few days ... although maybe I would have. Who knows.
Anyway, this post is a lot longer than I had anticipated. I just wanted to mark the date, to remember what I'd been through and how far I've come. So in remembrance:
Baby Stevenson
August 2008 - October 2008
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