To the one I lost,

Two years ago today I found out you were no longer with me. Two years ago today I experienced the worst day of my life so far. My world came crashing in. Even though I really think I knew it was going to happen, it didn't hurt any less. It wasn't any less of a blow.

I remember sitting in the bathroom after the ultrasound, staring at my feet thinking "This can't be real, this can't be happening".... "This isn't me"... but it was. Over the next few days I went through the physical aspects of my miscarriage, but October 8th, 2008 was the day I really lost you and everything I had been dreaming of. It was the day I lost my innocence. No other pregnancy will ever be carefree for me. I know now that it can happen to anyone. It happened to me.

HOWEVER, my sweet little one...if I had not lost you I would not have your brother with me now. Does that mean you were supposed to leave me? Maybe, maybe because I can't imagine my life without Nathan. Yet, maybe you never did leave. Perhaps you came back and are actually asleep in your room right now. Maybe God gave you back to me. Maybe you are Nathaniel Louis. I won't know until I leave this earth I guess.

Either way, you will always be a part of who I am. Every year I will take time to stop and remember you - the one I lost.