I realize I'm not old ... I'm only 25, but after you have a child you start to realize you aren't really "young" anymore, no matter what age you are.
I don't regret having a child, I'm so so so glad we had Nathan when we did and I'd do it again in a heartbeat, in fact I'd like to have all of our children before I hit 30 - but every once in a while I realize I am no longer "young"...I am a full blown adult.
What has caused me to pause and think about this even more than usual is that I happened upon a picture of myself in my dorm room the day I moved in, my freshman year of college. How is it that that doesn't seem all that long ago? It was in fact, 7 years ago next week...what the heck!? SEVEN years!?
Why does time do that to you? When I was a kid, seven years was an eon, but now that I'm an adult and have had the same "mental awareness" for a while, the years just fly by. It's hard to realize that it has truly been that long because my memories of it are all so intact. As a kid your memories seem to get jumbled.
I've also been feeling old because I don't feel like I'm as pretty as I used to be. Oh yes, pity party for me but I just feel like I constantly look tired. I've always had dark circles under my eyes, but ever since I started working full-time and now adding Nathan and his horrible sleep habits on to my plate, they're so much worse. I feel like I'm never going to look refreshed and beautiful ever again. That is a bit depressing considering I am only 25 ... not 75.
Anyway, that's my pity post for the year. Certainly not an "update on our growing family" as the tag line of my blog suggests, but definitely what has been on my mind the last few days.
I hear ya. How did we go from being ambitious college freshmen, to married women with kids in only 7 short years? I think about how close it is that Leah will be 7 or 8 and it doesn't seem like that far off at all. I think part of feeling older is the responsiblities that come with having a job, family, handling finances, etc. And as far as how you feel about your appearance, I think all women feel that way. While I've lost all my baby "weight" I haven't lost all the soft spots that remain from my post-natal belly. And I find it hard to put myself together everyday just because I feel so tired too. I do feel better about myself though on the days I take the extra time to do something with my hair and make-up. Oh and btw...I think you look great! I know it's hard to accept it when you feel Blah, but I think you look amazing! Good luck going back to work next week.
ReplyDeleteKari,
ReplyDeleteI have to thank you for this post. I have actually been taking some self esteem classes cause I thought there was something wrong with my sometimes feeling bittersweet about being a mom. Like you, I love my kids and love that I had them young but I look at myself in the mirror...the saggy boobs now and the millions of stretch marks and now cottage cheese legs that it seems no amount of exercise alleviates, and I wonder what happened.
It seems tough to find people who will truly listen and understand because they sometimes think if you CHOSE to have kids then you shouldn't ever complain. However, I think it's normal to have these thoughts. I once heard a wise phrase that said "once you have a child your life ends and someone else's begins." While this isn't entirely true, it is to an extent. I'm sure you've had times you've had to cancel plans because of a lack of a sitter or because your child is sick. It's a lot harder of course working full time, too.
I just want to say this to a fellow mom even though I don't know you on a daily basis with Nathan, but I have never seen more smiles from a child then what I see in your pictures of him. So I can only conclude that even when you look your worst you are actually beautiful because you are such a good mom and that beauty cannot be hidden by dark circles, or a saggy butt, pasty skin, stretch marks, whatever.
I don't believe in pregnancy making women "glow" but I do believe sacrificing everything including your very body for another life is true beauty and for that try to think of yourself how Nathan sees you.
Guin
Thanks Guin! Every once in a while I am able to look in the mirror and see the beauty in what is there. The extra tummy flap means I was able to carry my child for 9 months! Those saggy boobs mean I was able to nurse him for a year!
ReplyDeleteBut, those moments are short lived, especially in a culture where beauty and youth are prized above everything else.
I try not to get hung up on it, but as you know, it can be hard not to. Especially if you're going through a time of low self-esteem.
Anyway, thanks again for your comment. It makes me happy to know I'm not alone!