Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Exhausted

Wow I'm exhausted. I feel like I've been up for days...I doubt I'll be lasting past 9 tonight. Since hitting the second trimester I've been able to stay up a little later, but I think I wore myself out last night. I had an online session for my Internet class that lasted until 8:30 so I drank some tea to keep myself awake. I didn't get to bed until 11-something. Late when you have to be at work at 7am. 

I'm getting very worried about Friday. I just want it to be here. I want to know whether this little being inside of me is a girl or boy. Honestly, I'm REALLY worried that it's going to be a girl. After being absolutely sure of a boy now, what if I'm wrong? Girls scare me, their attitudes...their manipulative skills...their cliques...the drama...and don't forget the day they turn 13! Oh man, I am so worried about the fighting but what if my little girl is like me in middle school and constantly teased and picked on and just has a horrible time of it? Or worse, what if she's the one doing the teasing? Oh help me...STOP...deep breath...

...I know that whatever God blesses us with is what we're supposed to have and I'll handle it, I'm just scared. Look at me, already failing as a mother. ;) I'm sure this wont be the last time. 

Speaking of failing as a mother, I watched an Oprah on our DVR from yesterday. It was about being a mom and the things no one ever talks about. The things no one ever admits. Like the fact that mom's try so hard to be perfect and every mom judges everyone else, but no one can do it all. All of these moms were unhappy. They loved their children but were incredibly unhappy. Boy, that makes me excited. I pray I don't hate my husband, I pray I don't set ridiculously high standards for myself, standards that there is no way I'll be able to adhere to no matter what I do. Man, I'm excited for this baby, but what did I get myself in to?

I'm only 2o weeks pregnant and I already feel guilty for not only the above mentioned gender preference, but the fact that I have to go back to work. I can't stay at home w/ my 6 week old baby. I get to fork over money I don't have to a daycare to take care of my child...ugh...this sucks...everything is worse at night. 

I'm going to bed. It wont be nearly as bad in the morning.

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